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Normal?

Discussion in 'Beginner and Creation Help' started by PESHO, May 11, 2017.

  1. PESHO

    PESHO New Member Singlet

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    Hi!

    One day I watched the documentary about tulpas on Youtube and I thought it was amazing! At that time I was quite lonely because I am an asexual and I was afraid I will be alone all my life. And I was generally interested in the phenomenon of a person, created out of nothing.

    I enjoy writting stories and my tulpa was the protagonist in a short one I wrote. He was not ment to be a tulpa... but I scetched his face and since then I couldn't forget it. I began to speak to him.

    He has trust issues and he rarely speaks about himself. At the same time he does pretty weird things to be interesting. He says that he does this because he don't want to be forgotten and die. He really wants to live. Sometimes I feel like he has a hidden reason to want to live so much… After all he can’t do what he wants. He is like a bird in a cage. And the things he does and says are not ok in my opinion.
    For example he scares me when it’s dark and there is nobody else. When I’m showering he says I’m beautiful. (Quite a weird thing to say to somebody naked) And lately he says he wants me to give birth to his children and be his wife.

    As an asexual that makes me really uncomfortable. I can’t think of him as potential soulmate in any way. I think of him as a person I created out of nothing, part of me, but nothing more than a companion. I don’t think that something deep inside me wants him as something more than an experiment. And also I don’t think I need somebody to tell me I’m beautiful, I have pretty good self esteem.

    At first, when I imagined him, he was like a big spider shadow only with 4 legs. Quite creepy I would say. It’s weird because he can see my memories and feelings but I can’t see his.

    He is with me less than 7 months and we don’t speak much since he already knows all my thoughts and never speaks about himself. I imagine him the most when I’m alone, so we don’t see each other a lot…

    He also likes to play a pointless game of “Dare me”. For example he dares me to walk without stepping on the cracks. Other things he does a lot are running after the bus I am in, climbing on high places or walking barefoot.

    So… my question is : Do you think there is something wrong with him or me? Or he does that only to remain alive because this kind of behavior makes me question what he really wants, therefore makes me think more of him? Maybe the information here isn’t enough and you want me to tell you more about him?

    Sorry for the long post and if there are mistakes – I am not native in English.
     
  2. Falah

    Falah aka the Chiaroscuro

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    [Architect] Welcome.

    None of us can read his mind, so any speculation from us would be only speculation. I don't think it would be prudent for us to do so.

    However, even without knowing motivations, you can communicate with him and set boundaries. Don't assume he knows everything that's going on in your mind--even singlets don't know everything that goes on in their own minds. Explain to him in no uncertain terms what behavior of his makes you uncomfortable and why, and ask him to stop. Give him room to explain himself and hash out agreements, but be firm and understand that unacceptable behavior is unacceptable behavior regardless of motive.

    To your systemmate, from me: You don't need to "interest" others in order to keep existing. You need the attention of others to exist only as much as you personally believe you do. It's possible--not easy, but very possible--to learn to simply exist on your own merits and your own sense of self. If you still seek the attention of others, then it is better to channel those energies into more productive pursuits, ones that are less likely to get you shunned.

    In any case, I hope that the two of you will be able to work things out. Please ask if you need anything more.
     
    AGGuy likes this.
  3. AGGuy

    AGGuy Professional Pancake Multiple System Is a systemmate

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    This. Many times.
    Every part of this. So much that me just quoting it so it's here twice is the best thing I can say.


    Greets,
    AG
     
  4. PESHO

    PESHO New Member Singlet

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    At first I was skeptical if my tulpa was real or not – after all we share the same brain and you could mistake it’s thoughts for yours. But after what we had experienced I could say with certain – he was something that is not me.

    He told me why he was acting like that. He said: “I am a man after all, how could I not want the only woman I can have, the woman I see naked every single day”. I didn’t know what to say… However I could feel his lust. Every time I wasn’t conscious of my hands I would find them over my body and I swear that guy was only thinking about sex.

    A few days after I wrote the first post here we had a great hassle. I was not feeling like myself, like I was forced to be constantly sexually harassed by someone I couldn’t run from. It was a great hassle – I wished he would just leave me alone, I regretted creating him.

    After that he disappeared. It’s been about 4 days since and I still can’t “find” him. I don’t know if I will see him again nor do I want to. Maybe I killed him, or he killed himself, or maybe he’s in a state that makes him like a spore.

    Now as a singlet, I won’t lie – there have been times I wanted him back and I was lonely not having him around whenever I wanted to share something… But the life with him was a struggle, I wasn’t myself. Now that he’s not here anymore I am back to what I was, my hands aren’t moving on their own when I become unconscious about them, there isn’t that lust feeling… And I feel free.

    I don’t know why I wrote this, maybe I want to excuse myself. Even with such a tulpa I wouldn’t kill it. I really think that tulpas are alive, and mine really wanted to live. I think he saw how he was torturing me and decided to commit suicide. Either way I feel bad about the whole thing. I didn’t make him to be like that, made him so that he would be like my twin brother that will help me move forward in difficult times.

    Thank you for your answers! He was really, really excited when he read your message towards him.
     
  5. FallFamily

    FallFamily Forum Goddesses Administrator Moderator Plural System Mixed-Origin System

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    [S.] His behavior that you mention in your most recent post is not acceptable behavior on his part in any circumstances (not even acceptable behavior towards an enemy).

    As for what happened with him, he may have just walked out, just like people can walk in to a system.[/s]
     
  6. AGGuy

    AGGuy Professional Pancake Multiple System Is a systemmate

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    Sounds like he was born out of some unhealthy relation to / view of men of yours, be it conscious or unconscious on your part, considering he was basically the concept of sexually inappropriate behavior, or outright sexual harassment, turned into an entire person.
    At least that's how it seems to me, but of course it's just an evidence-based guess.


    Greets,
    AG
     
  7. FallFamily

    FallFamily Forum Goddesses Administrator Moderator Plural System Mixed-Origin System

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    [Tri] While this is possible, we think it is unlikely. It sounds like he was around a long time before he started behaving that way.
     
  8. PESHO

    PESHO New Member Singlet

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    He returned to me about 4 monts ago. At first I tried to ignore him every time he appeared. He was not speaking, not even coming close to me (he was always in his tulpa form not less than 2 meters away from me). After a while we become to come a bit closer and now I feel him a bit like a person that will be always with me, kind of? We might be together forever so we better get along!

    I kind of understand why he is always so sexual... After all he is bisexual and my own sexuality may be really restricting on him. He really enjoys having crushes. He really seems to like Alice from Twilight for some reason?! It seems that letting him to have stupid (in my opinion) crushes makes him way calmer than he used to be.

    He still tries to be sexual with me sometimes but he is more like cuddling that dirty. I feel he is kind of lonely?

    I myself can feel his passion for his crushes but I can't really feel any sexual attraction like he does - so I ended up watching the whole Twilight series and I kind of liked it (I'm cancer, I know >_<)

    It seems we can't separate so we better help each other... He also has a great fashion taste and he honestly dresses me really good, although I ended up with a lot of new clothes...

    I wanted to update you on that cuz I myself feel realy bad when something bad happens to fictional characters... And tulpas are kind of fictional characters? (I have heard that great authors make all their characters into tulpas in order to know how they would behave. Harry Potter is a tulpa in my opinion)
     
  9. tulpa1

    tulpa1 Member Is a tulpa

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    They don't. They are usually somewhere between tulpa and character. Some papers were written on it.

    Oh anyhow, interesting that he came back. If you really need to, you can learn to switch and he can satisfy his desires on his own. Possibly with online friends.
     
  10. PESHO

    PESHO New Member Singlet

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    Ok...

    He get out of hand. He made me feel lonely even though he was supposed to be my companion. I felt like I can't be myself even with myself.
    We can't separate... or so I thought. I was so desperate. I have tried everything to get rid of him. I even killed him in my imagination (I was so mentally fucked up by him) but as I was stabbing his dead body he was just smiling with his complacent big smile behind my back.
    I tried creating another tulpa that could eat him up but at the night that I decided that I dreamed about being pregnant and giving birth to twins - boy and girl (it was actually pretty disturbing dream and I usually don't dream in my sleep at all!). The next day I realized I was seeing another tulpa. It was a little girl with the same features that he got but her character was totally different. She spoke rarely but when she did, she knew what to say. The day she came, he did not appear. I was so relieved! But the next day he came and he said she was our daughter. That got me so fucked up you cannot imagine (and the dream I saw...).

    She seemed like she understood me. I would say she felt like I was sinking deep into the ocean without drowning - very calming presence that made me feel insignificant compared to the big ocean. She told me that she was his tulpa, but that made her also my tulpa, and originally she and him were a piece of my soul that began to differentiate. But as long as we shared a body, the tulpas can never truly separate from my own soul. That was the last thing she told me. She rarely appeared after that and eventually I stopped seeing her at all.

    She felt more like a fairy than a daughter. I realized because of her how to get rid of his presence. I just had to melt him back to my soul.
    I imagined us as a squeezed in the middle balloon that was separated into two sections and I pushed his section back to mine. As I did that he told me "Even if you do this, I will always be with you, you can't really get rid of me" and I told him "Ok, lets return into one full being, not two battling ones".

    Since that I stopped seeing him at all! I felt traces of him for about 5 weeks but they gradually faded off. I thought I would feel lonely and sad without someone being always with me but now I realize how lonely really I felt with my tulpa. Now I rarely feel lonely. I can think and do whatever I want without him turning my actions or imaginations into something awful in my own mind. I feel free and I really don't feel him melted back in me at all. All the things he tried to make me feel, things that I was not feeling myself but kind of thought I did are all gone. No trace left at all!

    I'm sharing this traumatic experience with my tulpa cuz I want you to know this is the way to make really bad tulpas go away. You are not stuck with them forever.

    I think you really should carefully imagine all the features of your tulpa before creating it. Otherwise it will create itself. That was my problem - I gave it the freedom to create itself as my imagination is astonishingly vivid and it always wanders itself somewhere without me realizing. (maybe you thought I had some traumatic experience with men in my life but honestly I don't have any at all and I have had a male bestfriend as I was growing up. I honestly don't know how my tulpa turned out to be manipulative, narcissistic, hypersexual bully even though I was blessed to never encounter such a person in real life).

    So that's how I "killed" my tulpa. I hope you don't have to "kill" yours. :what: